Come Home To Yourself

I had depression for more than 10 years and attempted suicide twice.

Ever since I finished university I felt lost and was soul searching.

I had many questions.

Who am I ? What am I passionate about ? What is my life purpose ? What do I love ? What makes me happy ?

I often felt like I didn’t fit in.

I had so many fights with my mum, nearly everyday, in person and in my head. Going through depression, it was doom and gloom nearly every day.

Nothing made sense.

I had very low self esteem.

I had earned a degree in Commerce from an Australian university but I didn't even have the confidence to apply for a job in Cambodia.

I began to avoid my friends, no longer enjoyed holidays nor my usual favorite foods.

The most inexplicable thing about the depression was that there was no reason for it. I was healthy, single, and financially independent.

And then in 2015 I came to Malaysia for a personal development program. This is where I met healers for the first time. My heart found what it was starving for its whole life.

From 2016 to 2018, I signed up for every healing session and workshop I could get my hands on. I was a client of a life coaching for more than 3 years.

It is in the safe space provided by these healers and facilitators that I discovered that...

 underneath all the sadness, anger, rage, resentment, disappointment, grief, was . . . pain.

Pain from childhood. Pain with mum. Pain with dad. Pain with authority.

I was afraid to face my pain because I believed my heart would break and I’d die... 

if I faced my pain directly. It took me a year of weekly coaching before I finally looked my pain in the eyes and gave her permission to be, as she is.

As I continued to give her that permission and space, she began to cry and cry and cry. She began to release all the pains and burdens she had not given a voice to and had been carrying for more than 30 years.

Eventually the tears subsided.

Only after I got intimate with pain, then I began to address anger.

I had been suppressing anger since my teenage years. I had been taught that I shouldn’t be angry at my mum, even if I was right and speaking my truth.

Finally, at 39, I was able to communicate to my mum the full extent of the pain she had caused me. And . . . my mother heard me. . 

The next day she apologized. And in time, our relationship transformed. And became more balanced and joyful.

I was able to speak my mind instead of suppressing it.

I now enjoy my mother’s company.

I’m deeply grateful that I did not give up on my Mum and that I had the...

 opportunity to change the story of my relationship with my Mum

from being resigned and “this is just the way it is”, to one of joy, love, and service.

After I looked at pain and anger deeply, the other negative emotions became much easier to address and they healed much faster.

My happiness and fulfillment in life began to accelerate.

My life began to be a series of miracles. Manifestations appeared faster.

Today I am not only happy, I am thriving.